Becoming a Caregiver

In a previous post, I talked about my dad having had Alzheimer's. When we were provided with the Alzheimer's diagnosis we had no idea how this disease would affect so many family members. We had no clue as to how we would take care of my dad. As his condition deteriorated, we wondered what changes we would encounter. Also, what should dad expect of us? Both my parents were in their 80's. How would we determine who would be responsible for his quality of life?  Who would be his primary caretaker? Does this role and/or function automatically fall to the spouse; to the eldest child; the child that is single or the child who lives the closest?

For the most part, we never like to think of our parents aging. We expect that they will live forever. The thought of our parents losing their independence is something we don't even consider. The realization that someday we may have to parent the parents is furthest from our minds.

My dad told me over and over that he did not want to be placed in any type of nursing/caretaker facility. He wanted to remain at home. He was completely dependent on my mom, oftentimes, becoming fearful if she wasn't in close proximity. Dad resented no longer being able to drive his car; he resented not being able to come & go; the loss of his freedom. How do you honor a parent's request when you know that by so doing, you may be causing further harm and stress?

Since my dad's passing, I've met and become friends with Ann Kasun, of ALK Life Solutions. Ann's company assists individuals in maintaining balance in their lives as they assume the decision making responsibility for aging parents. What I learned from my dad's situation, is that my family needs a plan in place that addresses how we will make decisions, and handle disagreements relating to the future care of my mom as she ages. Ann has provided me with ways of looking at things from the elders perspective, which will help reduce stress levels.


Please note: although I've focused on aging, caretakers also provide care to anyone who can no longer take care of themselves. This could be the result of accidents, a birth defect, medical issues, combat, etc.

Visit Ann's website, www.ALKLifeSolutions.com to determine how Ann can be of benefit to you, your family members and your friends.

The Big Al (Alzheimer’s)

I hate this disease!!! This disease strips away an individuals livelihood. Little by little memories are stolen away. 9 times out of 10 you may not even realize that this disease has crept into your life. What symptoms do you look for? How frustrating it must be to fight an enemy without being able to defend yourself. There are no weapons available to destroy this monster.  

My dad started getting forgetful. He would misplace the car keys. He would forget where he was. He began to not recognize family members and he would repeat himself a lot. I was saddened by what my dad could no longer do, however, I celebrated the things he was able to continue doing (before he passed).  

When my dad finally understood that he had Alzheimer’s, his concern then centered on how this disease would affect my mom. Mom never learned to drive. She would have to take on the role of a caretaker; she would have to become independent.

The one positive note that I had is that a closer relationship developed between my dad and I.  I focused on his long term memory (which was intact). We had one-on-one conversations based on how he was raised which provided such an insight into his belief system). I cherished that newfound closeness. I was able to tell my dad repeatedly that I loved him, knowing one day he wouldn’t remember who I am.

I've been speaking with my friend, Ann Kasun, ALK Solutions. Ann does a lot of work with adult children who have taken on the role of caregiver to their parent(s). There are so many fears associated with aging parents. We expect that our parents will be around forever. As our parents age, they face losing their independence, becoming frail, they get frustrated.  

At this time, there is no cure for Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s is still very much a silent disease. We need a plan of attack. Education is key along with eating healthy. These two things will go a long way towards helping family, friends and others (with Alzheimer’s).

Pride and Humility

Pride is defined as an ostentatious display; proud or disdainful behavior or treatment; conceit.

Have you ever wondered where being prideful comes from? One can become prideful when feeling powerless, disrespected or feeling ignored.

There are many ways that we display our pride. When one is in the middle of an argument, pride expects us to defend our "position". At times during an argument, hurtful things can be said. Pride prevents us from apologizing, enabling feelings of guilt and betrayal. Humility allows us to apologize whether we are right or wrong. Our concern becomes that of removing the pain we inflicted on others.

As children, we are sometimes taught to "swallow" our pride when we are hurt. We're told to "suck it up"; to not express any disappointments; to not let our emotions show. Humility allows us to be authentic and true to ourselves. Humbling ourselves enables us to deal with issues as they arise. There is a peacefulness that surrounds us once we make amends.

Have you ever been given the cold shoulder? You try to speak to someone and they act as though you don't exist. Sometimes we don't even know why or what we may have done to cause the mistreatment. When we feel ignored or shut out, pride can cause ill feelings to fester. This can lead to contempt. None of us likes being disrespected. Humility allows us to forgive the offender. Humility enables us to rise above feelings of revenge. Humility allows us to forgive ourselves.

Pride can also cause our head to swell; to be conceited; to place or view ourselves in greater esteem than others. Humility shows us that this is not the case. Humility reveals to us that we tend to hide behind conceit when we feel unworthy. Humility allows us to let go of our pride.

Psalm 29:23 says: a man's pride will bring him low, but, the humble in spirit will retain honor.

To me, pride is:
P eople
R elying on
I nternal
D estructive
E gos

Will you hold onto your pride or will you humble yourself?

Hoarding My Hurts

We have all experienced being hurt. Some hurts have been intentional. We can all recall the feelings we felt being hurt, however, can you recall what triggered the hurts?

There are different types of hurt, however, emotional hurt tends to have the greatest impact. Emotional hurt can run very deep causing a wounded heart or spirit. Not dealing with the source of your pain just covers up or masks the hurt. When you don't resolve your hurts, it's like walking around with an open sore. You put "ointment" on the sore, a scab forms and you're left with a scar.

As these scars accumulate, you begin to cover your pain by hoarding. You can hoard feelings of neglect, abandonment, hatred, self-loathing, bitterness, envy, rejection, etc. Each time you cover the pain, you add another layer of hurt. Eventually, your heart gets tight and you tend to feel sick.

What are you hoarding?  What wounds are you covering up? In order to get to the root cause of the hoarding that is taking place in your heart, you must identify the wounds. Label and separate your hurts into categories (generational hurts, self-hurts, doubt, false beliefs, bad decisions, etc.). To start transforming your heart, work on the hurts that can be healed quickly.

Failing to resolve your hurts will only cause more pain. Isn't it time for you to have a healthy heart free from unnecessary "junk"?

In order to begin the healing process, take a look at hurts that you are allowing to build up; to fester.  You will begin to recognize when you're feeling hurt. Let go of any "woe is me" mentalities that you may foster. Create a plan that will assist in reducing the clutter in your life. Before you know it, the negative thoughts will become positives. Your scarred heart will begin healing.

Gossip... Have you heard?

Gossip: a person who habitually reveals personnel or sensational facts about others; a rumor or report of an intimate nature; chatty talk.

As young children we've heard our parents talk about family members, friends, neighbors and co-workers. This was usually the norm and we typically didn't think twice about comments we may have heard.

When we enter grammar school, however, we begin to see how comments can have an impact (both positively and negatively). Do you recall the first time rumors were spread about you? I'll bet it wasn't a positive experience; that it was probably quite hurtful. How about rumors that you may have spread? Were you being spiteful; purposely spreading untruths? Were you just trying to "fit in"?

To me, gossip occurs when someone knowingly spreads or initiates untruths with the intent to hurt. The comments usually stem from jealousy, envy, and/or manipulation. Once the seeds of gossip are planted, the growth begins. If we are jealous of someone it's a no brainer to believe what we hear. It's just as easy to be willing to contribute to the cause by spreading the news. How easy it becomes to be both judge and jury.  We'll make our judgements whether we have the facts or not.

Being labeled as a gossip creates it's own dilemma. Are you a chatty Kathy/Ken? Have you bought into the false belief that being a gossip is part of every day life? You can rid yourself of that false belief by tapping into your conscience (that gut feeling you get when something isn't right). Don't participate in listening to or spreading information that you have not verified. Don't make judgements based on hearsay. Remember, you can't take back what you say.

Rise above any desire to hurt. This is your opportunity to make changes and be a better person.

Me and My Big Mouth

Have you ever said something that you wish you could retract? Have you ever wondered how you come up with some of the things you say? It's happened to all of us.

What we say with our mouths can determine whether we have a good day or whether we ruin someone's day. I've certainly been there and done that. I can see from facial reactions whether I encouraged someone or whether my comment was hurtful. And have you ever interacted with someone whose ultimate goal is to be mean spirited?

Why do we say some of the things we say? Let's consider the times when our comments are hurtful. Oftentimes, when we are hurt we in turn want to hurt someone. There could be anger, resentment and unforgiveness for a past incident that is still lingering in our heart. If we haven't dealt with the issue, we may be in revenge mode.

Feelings of envy and jealousy can cause us to gossip, to make untrue comments or exaggerate. These feelings will also cause us to believe the negative gossip that we hear about others.

At times, we have been "flattered" as a means of manipulation. What is behind the "nice" words being directed towards us? Pay attention and learn how to distinguish the sincerity of what is being said.

Sometimes we are trying to be nice, however, our comment comes out wrong (i.e. what did you do to your hair?).

We can control what comes out of our mouth. Turn the negatives into positives. Apologize if you feel your comment(s) were hurtful.  Don't deceive yourself. Strive to be gracious with your words and you will have a happy heart.
 

Who Is Driving Your Car?

Our life is like a maze. There are so many roads that can lead us to our destinations, our passions. As you drive down life’s road, do you know where you are headed? Do you go left or do you go right? Should you take any shortcut(s)?

At times we can feel lost. We wonder how we got to this point in our life. When our car is ‘unattended’, we’re not focused or clear on how to proceed or what to do next. Entangled in the web of false beliefs from our past, we don't believe in ourselves. We feel stuck. Many of our false beliefs are like pot-holes. Running over pot-holes will jar things around; making for a very uncomfortable ride. 

We need to repair and close up these pot-holes in our life. Pay attention to & heed our internal traffic signals, our inner voice. Our internal GPS may be sensing that we may need to shift gears and steer clear of the pot holes. Our minds need to be nourished. Are you feeding off of positive messages or do you keep eating the baloney that was fed to you? Do you have the right tools to keep your mind under warranty & good maintenance or do you continuously keep getting towed back to the false beliefs garage? 

 

It's time to get back on track. In order to stay in our correct life lane, we must identify the path we want to take. We have to ensure that our internal GPS is functioning. We want to stay away from any road-blocks, dead-end or 1-way streets. We want to plan our route; keep our tank full and enjoy what lies ahead.

      

Until you are living your own passionate life, you will never know who is driving your car. Determine your next step(s) by scheduling your free 1:1 consultation. Send your request to me at marguerite@livingapassionatelife.com.