What's In It For Me?

I enjoy doing things for people. Sometimes I'm asked for assistance, other times I do things just because. I'm not talking about big elaborate gestures. I'm talking about little things. For example, when you see someone feeling sad, you can give them a card that will cheer them up. Or maybe at a work potluck, fixing a plate for someone who is stuck in a meeting. I find that doing things anonymously especially enjoyable. It's a good feeling to uplift someone without expecting a thank you in return.

There are, however, instances where you require assistance and the person you turn to wants to know how helping you will benefit them. There's a sense of entitlement. What a sad reality knowing that the neighborly attitude of past generations has not necessarily been passed down generationally. Do you open doors for people? When you are in line at the grocery store and your cart is full, do you allow the person behind you with 3-4 items go before you? Fortunately, there are still scenarios where people help out in times of need (i.e. during a crisis, fixing a tire, when someone is sick, etc.).

Often times, people will do things for others and then brag about what they've done. Why is it important that others know that you helped someone? Are you doing nice things just to get noticed or to boost your ego? Having an ulterior motive for doing things depicts an insecure character trait. You're not fooling anyone hiding behind the mask of deception. What you try to hide is very easily seen by others.

The help you provide others is a gift and should be offered unconditionally. Knowing that you encouraged someone, helped them out of a tough situation or just made them smile should be thanks enough.

What are your reasons for helping others?

What Did You Say?

Every day we engage in numerous conversations. These conversations could be informative, instructional, etc. We have a clear picture in our mind of what we want to say or describe. Unfortunately, what we say may not be what the other person hears or understands. At times, based on their responses (i.e. "What did you say?"), we wonder if they listened to us at all.

How do you determine that what you said was understood correctly? Do you ask the other person if they have any questions?

I can recall an instance where I needed to have rice cooked by the time I arrived home from work. I called and asked my teenage niece to plug in the rice cooker. What a relief. That was one less thing I had to worry about. When I got home, we began placing the cooked food on platters. I unplugged the rice cooker and lifted the lid. To my surprise, there was no rice in the cooker. I asked my niece what happened. She said "You asked me to plug in the rice cooker. You didn't ask me to put rice in it". As I stared at her I realized she was right and I began to laugh. I had not provided clear instructions.

Later that evening I shared the story with her dad, my brother. He had a different viewpoint. He felt that my niece should have known what I meant. Although we didn't agree with whether to assign any blame, it was clear that I had a responsibility to ensure that my instructions were conveyed correctly.

Communication seems like such a "no brainer" yet we sometimes question the basis of another's interpretation. Everyone doesn't think what we think they think.

In addition, when we talk to people their mind is typically racing ahead. They have already begun to think about other subjects. We need to bring them back to the present conversation. Both the talker and the listener have a responsibility to understand where the other person is coming from and what was meant. Checking for understanding will save you from a future of mishaps and or grievances.        

Faith: Your Power Source

In the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about faith and what it means. According to Webster's Dictionary, faith is an allegiance to duty or a person (loyalty); it's a firm belief in something for which there is no proof; a complete trust; something that is believed with strong conviction.

We grow up with faith and belief in our parents and teachers. We have faith that the guidance being provided is what we need. We have faith that we are not being steered in the wrong direction. We have faith in our country, our judicial system, our government, etc. We place our faith in our spouses. There are many instances where we have to trust, believe and have faith in things we can't see or things we can't control.  We even put our faith in doctors expecting them to cure all of our health ailments.

We don't seem to question the faith people put on "earthly" things such as psychics, mediums or even daily horoscopes. We have the freedom to choose what we believe in.   

Why is it then, that we question the personal choice people make to have faith in The Lord? I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. Jesus is invisible. He provides and connects me to what I need. Just as I had faith in my parents and teachers for guidance, I now place my faith and trust in God.

Faith is the ability to trust in the unknown or unseen; it's a belief that things will work for your betterment. Having faith lays a foundation to build upon. As your faith grows, it gets stronger. When you turn your problems over, faith destroys doubt; you understand and believe that the right answer will be provided for your situation.

Where is your faith? What power source do you hook up to when times are rough? Are you getting enough juice or are you being short-circuited? If you're feeling drained of energy, you may need some rewiring. One quick way to get refreshed is to put your faith in the One that provides the nourishment you need. Like the Energizer bunny, you'll keep going and going, growing and growing. That's the kind of faith and power source we all need.

What A Bunch Of Baloney

We've all experienced well-meaning friends, family, co-workers, etc., who are ready, willing and able to provide us with advice on how we should live our lives.  Some advice is helpful, however, more often than not, we get a lot of baloney thrown our way. These well meaning individuals seem to know more about us than we know about ourselves.

It's unclear why individuals who aren't successful living their own life feel secure enough to direct us as to how our lives should be led. Whether you requested their viewpoint or not, the input provided is based on their beliefs and, as such, may not pertain to your situation. It's very easy for some people to dictate to us who we are and what we are or aren't capable of.

So, what do you do as you receive this unsolicited advice? Have you ever noticed your reaction(s) to some of the advice given? Do you find yourself rolling your eyes as you listen to the false assumptions, or baloney, that is being fed to you?

Our identity is not with others or what they think of us. Our identity should be based on our belief in our self. If you don't have faith in your abilities, your insecurities can run deep. Change your inner chatter from doubt to faith. Once you discover the value you provide, there is no longer the need to entertain the well-meaning baloney that is sent your way.

Deactivating The Negative Genes In Our Mind

At birth, we are made up of genes that are obtained from both of our parents. As we grow and mature, the genes of our mind provide us with both positive and negative thoughts. These thoughts or beliefs are inherited, or passed down generationally. What we do with our thoughts will determine the type of life we live.

Growing up, we may have faced a life of positive messages. Messages that empowered us or taught us that we can be anything we set our mind to. These messages showed us that if we do our best, life will lead us in the right direction. What happens though when the messages we received were negative? What if you grew up with a belief system that supported messages of failure, of disappointment or of constant doubt of your capabilities?

What we choose to believe will determine how our life will unfold. Don't allow the negatives to rule how your life is developed. You can choose to deactivate any negative genes that were handed down to you. You can rid yourself of a negative past and of self-pity, etc. Stop playing the blame game of "It's not my fault that I turned out the way I did." "It's because my parents were mean or abusive", etc. Get over it! You may not have been able to change your situation as a child, however, once you turned 18, you became responsible for your own choices. You gained the power to make decisions for any situation relating to your future.

If your desire is to live a happier, productive life you may want to examine how your mind thinks. Take a look at what isn't working and figure out what changes may be required of you. Do you want to imitate the negative life that was modeled for you or do you want to make adjustments that will set a new life standard? It's time to be accountable for your self by accepting responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Your thoughts and the decisions you make have an impact on you as well as on others. As a child, we followed by example not by advice. That's not how we want to live as an adult. Making changes and becoming a more positive person will impact your destiny and your legacy. So, get rid of any false beliefs or thoughts. Deactivate any negative genes that are in your mind. Choose to be positive. That's the only way to ensure happiness.

If Only Ignorance Were Painful

I can't stand it anymore!! What is up with these constant complainers? My goodness. What a waste of time. How do you find comfort in playing the victim? Do you really enjoy the stress, the negative attitudes and the conflicts that are a part of your daily life?

If you wake up and tell yourself that today is going to be a lousy day, then you have already set your mind to expect a bad day. If you start your day making a mental list of all the people and things that irritate you and how you are going to get back at them, then you are promoting your negative behavior. These types of thoughts lay the foundation and provide the support that you feel entitled to in order to justify your mistreatment of others.

Complainers choose their environment. I don't understand why there is a tendency to behave as though they have a complete lack of knowledge or awareness (ignorance) as to how their behavior affects others.

What would happen if during their game of manipulation they were asked to correct their behavior? What if every time these complainers acted foolishly or ignorantly someone held them accountable for their actions? I can only imagine how painful it would be for them to admit to their flaws. Isn't it time to get out of the self-pity mode? Take the first step towards turning your life around.

So go ahead and change your ways. Choose to have a glorious day. Treat others with respect. Think kind, positive thoughts. Remember, life is less painful when you choose to be happy.

Do You Under Stand?

Every now and then we all need support and understanding from family and friends. When we're feeling sad, insecure, disgruntled, etc., it's good to know that someone is in our corner. We want someone to just listen to us. Be there for us. No judgment; no commentary.

I can remember times when I thought my life was over. Nothing was going right. I felt alone, misunderstood. No one would listen to how I was feeling. The only support I received was from people wanting to dictate what I should or shouldn't do.

What does it mean to understand? Understand is made up of two words, under and stand. Under means to be in or into a position below or beneath something; receiving. Stand means unwavering support. So, how do we get our family and friends to stand by us, to provide support to us without offering advice?

Communication is key. If you are the one who needs the support, you must be able to tell the individual that you just need to vent; that you need them to just listen. If you're the person being approached, you'll need to ask the person if they are seeking advice or just needing someone to listen.

Sometimes just being able to say "I understand" makes all the difference in the world. "I understand" offers reassurance; it provides the opportunity to give support without providing unwarranted or well-meaning solutions. We may have experienced the pain that is being felt; we may have grappled with the same issues, however, what worked for us may not be the right choice for someone else.

Although we don't need affirmations from others telling us that things will be okay, knowing someone gets it by understanding is refreshing. Having someone understand us is something to appreciate. So, going forward, how will you communicate that you understand?

Mixed Messages Of The Mind

Have you ever had one of those days where how you feel inside contradicts with how you look outside? Talk about mixed messages. Maybe you're feeling nervous inside but you have to display confidence on the outside. Maybe you were just yelled at, you're feeling anger inside but you have to display calmness outside. We send and receive mixed messages daily.

There are also the days whereby we tell ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy, that we'll never marry, we don't deserve a promotion, etc. Where do we come up with these negative messages?

Some of these mixed messages or false beliefs can be traced back to our youth. We believe comments made to us by our family, friends and bosses. But what about the messages we tell ourselves? We carry these false beliefs in our mind. We allow these thoughts to fester. As we begin to believe, justify and support these false beliefs we succumb to a victim's mentality. This type of mentality upholds reasons to not like or feel good about our self.

So how do you change the picture(s) in your mind? How do you balance how you feel inside with how you feel outside? Start by acknowledging that you have these negative thoughts and that these negative thoughts are limiting you. What lessons can we learn by holding on to any untruths? Decide that you want to change your mindset. As you begin to knock down the limitations that are clogging your mind, your attitude will begin to change.

Seizing the opportunity to correct any mixed messages results in becoming more confident. You begin to recognize the "gut" feelings to know when the messages aren't right. So go ahead, believe in yourself. Listen to your mind as it tells you, Nah girl, you're good! You'll be glad you did.

  

Lettuce Eat, Drink and Be Healthy (Part 2)

Growing up, the only kind of vegetables I can remember eating came from a can. As I began living on my own, vegetables were the furthest thing from my mind. On rare occasions (like at a get together or party) I did enjoy eating raw green beans, cucumbers, celery and carrots. I especially enjoyed the dipping sauce that accompanied these veggies.

I had friends that were vegetarians and loved their lifestyle. I, however, couldn't understand life without a good cheeseburger, bacon or a combination pizza. Each of these meals would be followed by a nice, cold, Coca Cola. As I got older, there were 3 major discoveries that had a big impact on my life. The first is that I began to see how weight gain had caused many health issues for my friends and family. The second is that I learned that as a Christian, my body was a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor 6:19). How could I honor God with an unclean body? The third thing I discovered is that I am an emotional eater. I used food to comfort me during times of stress. Food couldn't hurt me like people could. If I had a "bad" day, food could always uplift me. Food didn't judge me.

These discoveries brought me to an understanding that I had to make some changes with how and what I ate. I had to change my eating habits. I began with prayer, the desire to get healthy and educating myself about raw vegetables. One of my ministers, Greta Andrews, wrote a book entitled "Divine Epicure's Recipe Book and Nutritional Guide" (sold on Amazon.com). This book provided me with the foundation to start living a healthier life.

I've also become a big fan of green smoothies and juicing. Smoothies help to detox your body. There are so many great green smoothie recipes available in cookbooks and on the internet. Overall, just incorporating one new eating habit will start the process of eating wisely.
     
The following tidbits are offered to help you with your quest to eating healthier.
1.  Journal. It is imperative that you write down what you eat and any emotions you feel. This will help you identify when you are eating "just because". You will begin to readily identify when you are on an emotional eating binge. Then, you can take any necessary corrective action.
2.  Eat only when you are hungry. You can politely refuse any offers of food made to "just try it", "there's always room for dessert", "just one more bite" etc.
3.  Don't buy groceries when you're starving and always utilize a shopping list.
4.  Chew very slowly. Enjoy the food.
5.  The minute you feel full, stop eating. You don't have to eat everything on your plate. Better yet, only have small portions. You can always go back for more if you are still hungry. The idea is to stop eating when your body says to stop.
6.  Do not use the word diet. You're eating healthy.
7.  Listen to your body. It will provide you with what you need/want (i.e. I want fish, I want to eat only vegetables today, etc.).
8.  Pray for the wisdom, discernment and willpower to make the right food choices.

Once you've made the decision to eat healthy, don't forget to acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small. So, lettuce eat, drink and be healthy. You'll begin to feel more energized. Your body will react favorably, and you'll be much happier.

If you have any questions, you may contact me @ www.LivingAPassionateLife.com.

Who Am I?

Yesterday I attended my grandson's 5th grade promotion ceremony. He is excited to be entering the 6th grade in September. He has already mapped out how he envisions his first year in middle school will unfold.

Toward the end of the promotion a film was shown. In the film, each student was interviewed and asked who are they and what they want to become. The audience was able to see the future generation of programmers, doctors, lawyers, professional sports players, actors, teachers, TV Hosts, astronauts and Presidents, etc. It was wonderful to see the enthusiasm and belief that each student displayed as they shared their vision. There was no doubt in their minds that they would accomplish what they wanted.

It made me think of the innocence of youth, their willingness to try something new and their resilience. Children have a strong desire to succeed and not give up. I wonder, then, when these thought patterns begin to change? When does doubt set in? As we mature, there is a tendency to question who we are and what we want out of life.

There's a lot that we can learn from our youthful days. As children, we didn't place a lot of value on how our friends perceived us. We believed in ourselves. We were willing to test the waters to see what developed. If we found that we didn't like what we where doing we had no problem making changes until we were satisfied. Children could switch hats quickly as they tried on different roles.

As we try to figure out the answers to the questions "who am I?" or "what do I want to become?", we should recall the things that we enjoyed doing as a child. The results will provide a decision-making roadmap that can be utilized to determine the path of our life, job and or career.

Remember, it's not about how others will define you; it's about you becoming who you where meant to be.

Rewire Your Mind...The Rest Will Follow

Compliments. We've all received and have given compliments. At times, it's easier to give a compliment rather than receive a compliment. What is the reasoning behind that?

I enjoy complimenting individuals. I find compliments can be very uplifting. I can, however, recall times in my life as a young child when I was incapable of accepting a compliment. If you told me that you liked my smile I would make a negative comment about my crooked tooth. If you told me you liked my dress, I would make a negative comment about the style, color, or length of the dress. I always found a way to dispute compliments.

As I started getting older I began to question why I was so uncomfortable with compliments. I didn't like any attention being drawn towards me. I learned that I was very self-critical as a result of receiving "rejection" messages from my parents, teachers and other individuals. Those rejections contradicted any "positive" messages. I had been trained to believe false things about myself.

So, how does one go about reversing or getting rid of the negative inner chatter? The first thing that comes to mind is to rewire your mind. Stop supporting those negative beliefs by thinking of and focusing on your good qualities. When a negative thought enters your mind replace those thoughts with something positive. Remember, what you think is what you become.

Don't withdraw when you hear any limiting or destructive messages. Each of us has the ability to replace any doubt with confidence. Free your mind from rejection. Don't buy into the baloney that is or was being fed to you. Rid yourself of any toxicity. Make the necessary changes to go from woe is me to wow is me.

I became a confident individual. I attribute this transformation to my desire to change. I wanted my self-portrait to matter to me. I was no longer going to support any thoughts being offered by any negative voices. As a Christian, I like knowing that God made me who I am. His perception of me is what matters. Today, when I receive compliments, I simply smile and say thank you.

So, go ahead. Rewire your mind. The rest will follow.

I'm Not Afraid Of You

Fear. We've all experienced fear. Fear causes anxiety, uncertainty and a loss of courage. Did you ever play freeze tag as a kid? During the game you were chased. Once the person chasing you caught you, you were considered "tagged". This meant you had to remain "frozen" in whatever position and location you were in. You couldn't move until the game was over.

That's how fear affects us. Fear immobilizes us. We can't move forward because we feel stuck. At times, we don't want to deal with certain things so we tend to avoid specific situations. As an example, we live our lives maxed out on credit cards fearing that people will find out that we are financially stretched beyond our limits. We hide behind invisible masks fearing that people will get too close and that our true nature or our real persona will be revealed. We fear that family and friends won't like the real person hiding behind the masks.

We are afraid to try different or new things for fear that we won't measure up to others. We have feelings of being inadequate. We are so fearful of being found out that we allow fear to place and keep us in a self-imposed prison.

It's time to release our fears. One of the ways to accomplish this is by analyzing what our fears are revealing to us. What is causing any fear, misery or resistance? Are there aspects in your life that may require change? Acknowledging what is causing you feelings of having to be "on guard" will allow you to gain clarity in breaking any strongholds.

Tell your fears that you no longer fear them. Take back your control by gaining confidence. Confidence provides you with faith and belief in yourself. Having confidence gives you the desire to try. Being confident in your abilities allows you to be you. Confidence provides you with the inner strength you need to face things; to no longer be afraid.

Fear is a lie. When you know and accept this beyond a doubt, you will no long be afraid of fear.

Bargain Basement Mentality

Many years ago, some of the big department stores used to have "bargain basements". Bargain basements, filled with low-priced sale items, seemed to cater to people who lacked money or had very low income. Any family shopping in bargain basements were perceived to be poor, from the wrong side of the track. Bargain basement shopping could prove embarrassing to families. Kids dressed in bargain clothes were made fun of. Parents who could only afford to shop in bargain basements were shunned. They were excluded from "in crowd" opportunities, jobs and activities.

When you grow up with bargain basement mentality, you encounter feelings of lack. You carry self-doubt stemming from lies or negative comments directed towards you. Those lies or false beliefs are passed down from people held in authority (parents, teachers, bosses, etc.). These same false beliefs or lies can hold us captive, keeping us stuck.

Bargain basement lies can fill our minds with thoughts that we aren't pretty, we're no good, we're unlovable, we're worthless, etc. At times, there is the mindset of not having enough money or, of not being able to afford nice things. Saving, managing or keeping money can be a challenge.

So, how do you rid your self of any negative thoughts or hurts from your past? It's not like you can throw these thoughts or hurts away. After all, you've carried a lot of these beliefs from early childhood. One of the first steps is to challenge the negative beliefs by gaining clarity. If you continue to believe the negativity then typically there's no desire to change. If, however, you find that you no longer support the negative beliefs, you can choose to make changes. Taking this approach will move you forward in turning things around.

Only you have the power to make effective changes.  Just as the meaning of bargain basement shopping has changed from one of lack to one of being a savvy shopper, you can change how you see yourself.
  

Did I Ask For Your Opinion?

Everyone has an opinion. It's part of life. From the time we are young we develop thoughts and opinions. We form the foundation of our thoughts and opinions based on what we see, hear or experience. This foundation becomes the core to our beliefs and opinions. Added to our beliefs are the beliefs and opinions handed down generationally. This becomes our roadmap of how to converse with others.

We enter into conversations with others typically to learn more about them, to share information and viewpoints. For the most part, these conversations are cordial, each party gaining knowledge of some sort.  

I usually enjoy hearing the opinions of others as, oftentimes, there may be a viewpoint I may have overlooked or not considered. These differences of opinions could provide an answer to a situation that was causing concern. So, what happens when you're not in the mood for a discussion or your opinions or beliefs conflict with another?

What may be somewhat stressful is speaking with an individual who is very opinionated. They offer their opinions whether it was requested or not. Sometimes, you can't get away from them quick enough. There are individuals whose belief it is that only their opinion matters. No matter what the topic, they have all the answers. The discussion could be about the choice of color to paint a room, or whether you should get married. If your opinion doesn't match theirs, they take it upon themselves to show you the error of your way. It's as if they think we don't know how to make sound decisions about our own life.

I've come to learn that opinionated people are fearful. They fear that they may be perceived as not being intelligent. They carry around false beliefs that are cemented into their opinions. There's a need to be right about everything. There's an unwillingness to admit that their opinion(s) may be wrong. Until they are willing to delve into these fears and false beliefs, things will remain the same for them. They will want to "win" at every discussion as it meets their need to "puff" themselves up. They see this as having some kind of power over you. Although you may be tempted to respond with "Did I ask for you opinion?" don't fuel the fire by taking the bait.

As you begin to recognize and understand the ways of the "Opinionator" you'll learn how to deflect any stress. That's the only way to avoid conflict and maintain a friendly relationship.



 

Purging Our Ears

We've all been in situations where we've heard comments that make us cringe. We've heard loud, obnoxious talk out of the mouths of individuals who are constantly complaining, making rude comments or providing us with their negative banter. We have also met or have people in our lives who just go on and on about themselves. They have an opinion about everyone and everything. For example, if there's controversy regarding a sports player, this person is not shy about sharing their viewpoints on the issue whether you asked them to or not. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to stop time or maybe hit a delete button that allows you to purge your ears from all the melodrama?

Every day we are exposed to the constant barrage of negativity that other's feel is their duty to share with us. Although at times we've made polite excuses to escape the conversation, there are individuals that keep talking, having no clue or care that we are trying to walk away.

What purpose does it serve to be critical of others? Where is the accountability of the individuals who speaks in haste, knowing that what they say may not be true? Once untrue comments are made you can't take it back no matter how many times you apologize. So many good reputations have been ruined by character assassinations. You must take a stand and advise these individuals that you don't want to hear the swearing, name calling, derogatory comments, remarks, etc.

It's not enough to just plug our ears. We have to explore why others feel it's okay to unload on us. Do you enjoy being on the receiving end of the negativity? Once you understand what is occurring, you have to set boundaries to prevent this behavior from reoccurring.

Proverbs 17:14 states, "When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut". Don't allow yourself to be drawn back in. Purge your ears of negative talk, gossip and or comments. Stop participating in these infectious conversations. The better approach is instead to choose to hear about the good things in life and people.