Me, Myself and I

I saw a picture of a personalized license plate that read, MeFirst. I wondered what prompted the individual to want to display that message for all to see. Was it done as a joke? Is that what the individual really thinks?

Seeing the license plate made me think about the word entitlement. One of the definitions of entitlement is a belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. There's a big difference in earning or working to obtain things versus expecting to be rewarded or given things "just because". Having a sense of entitlement goes beyond feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments. I'm not really sure how a sense of entitlement became the norm for so many people.

Too often, we see people who feel that money can buy them "positions" in life & maybe provide a false sense of being better than the average person. At times, there may be a perception that rules don't apply to them. As an example, some people have no problem parking in a handicap parking spot without the use of a placard.

How does one become "entitled"? One example is that of parents who are too busy to spend time with their children. Instead, the parents choose to buy their children every new toy or technology gadget that is out there. The expectation is that buying these things will allow the parents to continue with their workaholic tendencies. Another example is that of a parent who never had things when they were little so their tendency is to overcompensate. There are those who "buy" the love of their friends, family, etc. There are also those who just feel that they deserve everything.    

When your focus or attitude is "it's all about me, myself and I, what type of person are you? I wonder if there is any room for kindness, grace, humility or camaraderie. If the focus is all about you, there is no time to learn new things, enjoy true friendship, or even know what it's like to make someone else happy. Having a sense of entitlement deprives you of so many things. You don't know what it's like to accomplish something on your own. There is no sense of what is good about your self. You're uncomfortable when the attention is not on you. You expect that when things don't go your way, someone will always rescue you or bail you out of a bad situation.

I don't envy those living a life of entitlement. I see it as a lonely life filled with bitterness and jealousy. No matter who you may be with, you're still alone. Sooner or later you realize that life is more than material things. Material things get old, rusty and break down. They get easily replaced. Today is a good day to change your outlook. Life is so much better when you have good people in your life. Make the decision to focus on others. Find out what their interests are. See how you can be a better friend or person. You will find that people will be receptive to the change and your life will be more content.

Your "In-look" Determines Your "Outlook"

Every day we face difficulties and challenges. Some can be very daunting while others just flow off of us. How we perceive these challenges and/or difficulties can make all the difference in the world. It can determine whether we have a positive or negative attitude. Throughout life we either in-look or we outlook.

Our in-look is how we internalize things. What is our DNA made of? Is there bitterness, envy or jealousy? Are we obnoxious or confrontational? Our in-look DNA is comprised of beliefs that were formed at an early age. If you were raised with positive traits such as encouragement, confidence, and kindness, you probably have a good in-look. If, however, you were raised with no self worth, no encouragement or you were mistreated, then your in-look may be far from positive.

Our outlook is how we perceive things. We will make judgments based on our perceptions. When things go wrong in our lives, we tend to lay blame wherever we can. Instead of dealing with whatever turmoil is going on inside of us, we find it easier to place blame on outside factions. For example, if we didn't get a promotion we wanted, we convince ourselves that it was someone else's fault that we missed out on the opportunity.

In-looking is not always easy. In-looking involves acknowledging both positive and negative traits. In-looking may require correcting issues that can be hurtful and painful. We have to acknowledge our flaws. What things are you doing continuously that causes you to complain about yourself? What emotions are ruling your mind, thoughts and actions? In-looking may require reprogramming our beliefs and our thoughts.

We want our in-look thoughts to have strong influences on our outlook and our life. So, how does one go about accomplishing this? We have to determine what needs changing and whether we want to make any changes. Then we need to develop a plan to initiate these changes into our daily routine. There may be times that we revert back to our previous beliefs and negative thoughts. That's ok. Don't give up. Keep moving forward.

It's time to stop our in-look perceptions from being governed by our outlook or circumstances. We all have our blind spots. You have to understand yourself from the inside out. When you stop nurturing the negativity they get weaker until ultimately they disappear. This process will take discipline, however, it is doable. Remember, your "in-look" determines your "outlook. It's up to you to ensure that you have the right way of "looking" at things.

Must You Argue About Everything?

Have you ever dealt with an individual that argued with you no matter what was discussed? They can be opinionated, they may not find any value to your viewpoints and they may make judgments or conclusions with or without facts.

I often wonder what is going on inside of the individual that fills them with the need to always share their perspective, right or wrong. What is causing them to dominate or control the conversation? A few possibilities that come to mind are doubt, insecurity and pride.

When people are insecure there is a tendency to hide behind a "mask". We become vulnerable. We don't want to expose our flaws to others. Although we all have imperfections, we are afraid to allow others to see the real person. There may be feelings of inadequacies.

Doubt is when you are uncertain or lack confidence. You want to impress people or show others how smart you are. We have self-expectations. When these expectations aren't met we are disappointed, doubt sets in and our confidence plummets.

Pride is another area that leads to being argumentative. One can become prideful when feeling powerless, disrespected, or feeling ignored. When we are in a prideful moment, we want to defend our position. In a self-effort to prove that we measure up, our contributions to the discussion may take on a combative or argumentative role.

What does being argumentative accomplish? Absolutely nothing. It's like being stuck in traffic with your car overheating. You can't move. You see a warning light in your car indicting that there is some kind of trouble. Unfortunately, you don't see a way out. You can't move forward until traffic opens up and you are able to get your car to the side of the road. Arguing and or trying to be right all of the time is like being stuck in traffic. Until you are able to determine why you are being argumentative, you won't be able to correct the situation.

Expecting to see a behavior change overnight is unrealistic. It will take time to release oneself from the bondage that arguing has you shackled to. You 're not fooling anyone. Our emotions give us away. Stop hiding behind any anger and hurt. Be willing to correct any handicaps. Until you change the behavior, your true self will continue to emerge.

Another option is to understand that change for this individual can be slow. Depending on the situation, we've all had illogical rants (i.e. a parent defending their child) that have taken us from 0 to 60 in no time flat. The concern is when going from 0 to 60 becomes the norm. 

So, what should one do when conversing with an argumentative person? The easiest answer is to avoid them or excuse your self from the conversation as soon as possible. That, of course, is easier said than done (as the arguer could be a friend, family member or even a boss). You can try to determine what is behind the behavior. Are they having a bad day? Are they feeling ill? Or is this a standard way of communication?

The words you speak and how you speak them matter. There is a big difference between sharing your opinion versus being argumentative. The main difference is that people will close their ears to argumentative individuals. Everyone wants to know that they are heard and are being listened to. If you are too busy arguing, you can never "hear" what others think and or contribute.

Your viewpoint is not the only one that matters. Be receptive to hearing the ideas of others, learning new things, or trying different ways to communicate. When there is a free-flow exchange in the dialogue you will find that people are more inclined to listen to your viewpoint. Isn't that ultimately what you want?

Living a Difficult Life

Ever wonder why life can be difficult? Life can be difficult based on people, places and things in our life. Life can also be difficult based on what is going on inside of us.

Life provides many trials and tribulations that can lead to stress and strife. How we handle the stress and strife will determine the path our lives take. What is your approach in handling challenges that come your way?

Everyday we are provided with an opportunity to determine how our day is going to progress. If you begin your day focusing on what's not going right, thinking about the amount of work waiting for you at your job or maybe your mad at someone and you wake up planning your revenge, these thoughts will lead you down the path of a having a bad day. It can cause you to start your day with a negative attitude. If, however, you wake up being thankful for and believing that it's going to be a great day and you are grateful for what the day will bring, then your focus is on the positives.

I know of a situation where instead of the mail being placed in a residents mail slot, the interim postman places the mail in the newspaper box. The interim postman knows where the mail slot is located. Not walking up the stairs and placing the mail in the appropriate container (after being shown where the mailbox is located), could be seen as rebellious. The resident has complained to the post office several times, however, this continues to occur every time the regular postman is off or on vacation. Each time this happens the resident gets angry. I suggested that a note be placed next to the newspaper bin requesting that no mail be deposited there. The resident is not willing to do this. I agree that the mail should be placed in its proper location, however, is an issue like this worth having your day affected? No. Why allow small irritants to turn in to bigger issues?

One step that can be taken to move away from having a difficult life is to determine why you have to have the last word, why you feel you have to defend your position and/or why you may be more concerned in making your point. Don't misunderstand. There are times when we need to take a stand, however, if all you care about is being right, then, you'll never be happy.

Another step that you can take is to ensure that you have all the facts before you make a decision or a judgment. Misunderstanding a situation can definitely cause stress. None of us like to be judged unjustly. You owe it to yourself to get the facts right in order to alleviate any conflict.

Take a look at any internal stress you may be experiencing. What is causing the conflict? What portion of the stress, if any, are you responsible for? When suffering with internal issues, we tend to engage in conflict with the words "you better", "you never" or "you always". Although this verbiage may have been learned at an early age we can find a different, more positive approach rather than having our words perceived as an accusation, a lack of faith in another persons abilities or even as a personal attack. Changing how we say things and even the tone in our voice makes a difference.

You can diffuse internal strife by choosing to not place undue stress in your life. We don't have to have an opinion about everything. We can choose to walk away from controversies. Focus on the positives in your life. Acknowledge that living with peace in your heart is a much better approach than living a difficult life. You'll be glad you did.    

Feeling Stuck?

Have you ever felt stuck in a rut with no way out? Maybe you've done or said things you wish you hadn't. Maybe you have feelings of unworthiness. Or, maybe your mind is on overload and you just can't think anymore.

We've all been there. We get stuck in our thoughts and our ways and can't seem to find our way out of situations that we may have created. We just can't seem to overcome our challenges. We question how to rid ourselves from the toxicity in our lives. Our critical nature takes over and we place blame wherever we can. We don't want to own up to our role.

How do we move from sinking in sand to solid ground? First, we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to identify what is causing us to feel stuck. Some of the culprits could be financial, anger, indecision, doubt, self-pity, shame, hurt, complaining or unforgiveness. As we look at ourselves internally, we may see mirrored back to us negative thoughts we have of ourselves that are supported by childhood beliefs. Negative childhood beliefs are unfounded, wrong opinions that were imposed on us by people we viewed in authority. These labels contributed to our being 'stuck'.

Next, acknowledge that when you feel stuck, you are being given an opportunity to prune yourself. Take the time to crop, pare down or trim away anything that is keeping you mired down.

Doubt is a part of feeling stuck. If you are you plagued with doubt, this could signify that you are uncertain as to your capabilities. Don't allow the doubt to settle in your mind as it could keep you in "defeat" mode. Be receptive to change and see what opportunities are presented.

Finally, when facing change, you must take steps to unclog your mind. Change is not easy. You may hit several roadblocks. You may think it's not worth it. Don't give up. What matters is how you handle or accept change. Focus your mind on how you will benefit. Envision what it will be like to be free of limitations. Your efforts will not be in vain.

Take This Job and .....

Every now and then our job or career can feel a little stagnant. It can become mundane, void of any challenges or excitement. We wonder what happened. Maybe the job has been routine all along and we just chose to ignore our unhappiness. We get frustrated. We start to think there has got to be something better.

With all the competition for jobs, many individuals find themselves accepting a position they may never have considered. Along with that is the realization that the salary you were pursuing may have to be reevaluated. Many individuals have accepted lower paying jobs as either a stepping stone towards a specific career or as a result of the lack of jobs available in their specific job market.

So what happens when you are at a job that you dislike? If quitting is not an option, how do you get yourself back into a positive frame of mind? One of the things you can do is window shop. By window shopping you can enter the "store of life" in your mind. You can walk up and down the many aisles and see what is available. Travel, college, entrepreneurship (along with other options) are displayed for your benefit. Although you are just looking, window shopping can offer you options that you may have never considered. Window shopping can also assist in identifying jobs that aren't the right fit. You don't have to go down that aisle if you don't see what you need.

When pursuing a job or career, recalling what you enjoyed doing as a child is a great first step. Anything that you enjoyed doing over and over and carried over into your teens/adulthood can be revealing as to what you are passionate about. The point is that you consider a job doing what you enjoy.  
  
If, however, you have to work at a job that you are not passionate about you want to have a plan as to how you can migrate to a job of your choice. You don't want to be in a "Take this job and shove it" mode. Choose to get rid of any thoughts that will keep you stuck in any negativity. You want to plan accordingly so that you are prepared when it's time to make the next move.

What are you willing to do to remain happy? Make a list of what you like about your job and what you would like to change. Make the changes that are in your control. Make a list of what displeases you. Is there any "tweaking" on your part that is required? Do you need to adjust your performance so that things will be better?

Consider also, that there may not be anything you need to correct. You may have just outgrown your job. It just might be time for a change. Do you really want to stay in a job because you're afraid to start over or because you don't want to learn anything new?

Remember, life treats us how we expect to be treated. There comes a time in our life that we have to search our soul and come to terms with our role in the outcome of our life. It's up to us to pursue happiness. Will you remain at a job you're not passionate about or will you pursue happiness?

Addicted To Needing Approval

Everyone has a desire to be acknowledged, approved and respected. We want to please people. Often times, people-pleasing leads us down a path of needing the approval of others. Why is having someone else's approval so important? Why are we so addictive to the value given to us by others?

Addiction can be described as a dependency or a habit. Addiction is a behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition. If you are unable to live your life without the blessing from others, you may want to consider why their approval is so important to you. Doing what others want you to do may not be right for you. Are you going against your beliefs because you want to be liked or so you can fit in? What will that accomplish?

Take an honest look at your life. Where did the people-pleasing attitude originate? In your desire to people-please do you overextend yourself by saying yes to all requests for assistance? This behavior could lead to stress, anger, sickness and or burnout. Securing the approval of others is not worth carrying anger inside of you allowing the anger to build. It's not worth being miserable. I can recall a time when I craved the approval of others. Although I displayed confidence on the outside, inside my feelings of inadequacies continued to mock me. I would complain in silence. Deep down inside, I knew that ultimately I had the power of saying no. I had to own my decisions.

We also need to check our reactions when we don't gain the approval we seek from others. We should not feel sad, unappreciated or hurt. We should not feel that we failed. Put things in perspective. Don't go against your own convictions. There will always be someone who doesn't like, support, or agree with the things you do.

What options do you have of breaking the approval hold? Consider the following:
* Say no. Know and respect your limits. Review what you have on your plate and determine whether there is room to take on anything else. If there's no space, decline graciously.
* Believe in the choices and decisions you make.
* Trust your self.
* Let go of any fear that others will reject you or won't like you. If anything, you will gain their respect.
* Don't allow your emotions to override or cloud what you know is right.
* Do not feel guilty!!!

Above all, don't allow your self to be used or controlled by others. There are some individuals that will jump at the chance to manipulate a situation to their benefit. When you sense that others motives are not to your benefit, hit it head on.

Being addicted to needing approval is something that can be corrected. Find your power source (mine is the Lord) and plug in. Recharge yourself. Fill up with confidence. When you are fully charged, you will find that the need for approval has either dwindled or is gone completely.

The Great Pretender

I remember playing dress up as a child. It was always fun to pretend being someone that I wasn't. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I could be rich or poor, a movie star, a world traveller. Unfortunately, the time would come when playtime would come to an end. I would have to take off the disguise and get back to being me.

Life is like playing dress up. In an effort to not exposing how we truly feel, there's a tendency to hide behind masks. We don't want others to know that we aren't perfect, that we may have a few flaws. Our worlds may be crumbling down around us yet we are more concerned with what people will think. We hide the fact that we may be going through turmoil, that our life may be chaotic. It's more important that we portray confidence and that we have it all together.

Who are we kidding? Why do we hide who we really are? Fear of not being accepted is one reason. Being judged is another. We learned to pretend at an early age, to keep our "guard" up. We are careful in deciding who is allowed to get close to us. We tell ourselves that pretending is easier than being vulnerable.

Pretending provides us with a false coat of armor that we think will protect us. We could be dealing with a stressful situation, however, if someone asks how we are doing we respond with a robotic "fine" instead of sharing our burden. We don't trust that anyone could be going through a similar situation and that this person may be able to help with our situation.  

For some, pretending becomes the reality. We've played dress up for so long that we are surprised when our masks begin to unravel and people see us for who we truly are. We come face to face with the reality that we have been kidding ourselves.

When we reach that point, we have to come clean with ourselves. No matter what past hurts, wounds, rejections and or fears we live with day to day we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to learn to trust that our friends, family, peers, etc., will like us for who we really are. We are just like they are. When we let our guard down and allow others to see us as we are, there is a sense of acceptance. There's knowledge that flawed or not we're okay. We can help each other mend.

So, stop pretending to be someone that you're not. There's no payoff in pretending. Although playing dress up can be fun, being your self is the only way to move forward with being authentic. Being authentic enables you to clearly see what is causing any misery, thus being able to deal with the issue(s) and find a resolution.  

It's time to stop playing dress up. Do you want to live the life of the great pretender or do you want to get rid of your masks and live a truthful life?    

My Job Isn't Who I Am

Have you ever had someone look down their nose at you because of the type of job you hold? Whether you are a maid, stockbroker, stay at home mom or a lawyer your job does not define who you are. People don't have the right to judge your job or career decisions. No one knows by which criteria you selected your means of an income. We don't owe anyone an explanation or justification of why we do what we do in relationship to earning an income.

There are people employed at a job just for the paycheck. Maybe this job is a stepping stone for a short time period. Maybe the job meets their current needs. Or maybe, they are afraid to venture out and find a job doing that they truly enjoy.

Then there are those individuals who love their job even though the salary is just average. For some people, the idea of having a lower salaried job is less stressful. Or maybe the salary is not the focus. Maybe it's the fact that they enjoy what they are doing.

The career or job you may have chosen does not dictate who you are. I can recall when being a stay at home mom carried no value. Even though you coordinated, scheduled and attended meetings; did time management and accounting (to name a few skills), the fact that these skills were done in a home environment were scoffed at when trying to re-enter the work force. I'm glad that that viewpoint is no longer supported.

There are doctors who thrive at their work because they love what they do. There are also maids and janitors who feel the same about their profession. The main thing is that whatever job or career you are in, that you do it to the best of your ability. If you're at a job that is not fulfilling to you, then as soon as you are able, find a job or career that you are passionate about and make a transition. Your job isn't who you are. You owe it to yourself to be happy at what you do.    

The "Not Good Enough" Girl

I can recall as a child hearing messages over and over that provided a "not good enough" label. You're not good enough to sing in the choir and you're not good enough to play sports, were just a few of the negative beliefs that were ingrained in the learning center of my mind. What are negative beliefs? A negative belief is an untrue belief that keeps you stuck. Negative beliefs diminish the confidence in your abilities. Negative beliefs can impose shame on an individuals perception of them self.

These labels formed my belief system. My belief system provided my foundation. Anything I attempted and failed at was directly related to my belief that I was not good enough; that I didn't deserve it. I held on to those beliefs. Those beliefs were my reality. They carried me into my teens and early adulthood. I had adopted the philosophy of friends, parents, peers, etc., that promoted the "not good enough" descriptor.

Feelings and thoughts of not being good enough were woven into my decision making process. Every time I failed it confirmed that my false beliefs were correct. The reality that I had conceded, rolled over and accepted these limiting beliefs stopped me cold. I realized that these limiting, negative beliefs were imprisoning me. I knew that it was time for a change. I had to be honest with myself. I had to change how I saw myself.

Changing ones perception of ones self is not always easy. Think of your mind as a closet. In your mind's closet, you have accumulated many thoughts, ideas and beliefs (clothes). As you outgrow your clothes, you have to clean out what you no longer need. You have to rid yourself of what no longer fits. The same is true for negative, false beliefs. Don't hold on to a belief that doesn't show you in good form. Clothe yourself with new truths, new beliefs. As you get an urge to get back in to your comfortable clothes, ask your self why? What is happening that is causing you to doubt? What is taking you back to those "not good enough" days? What role are you playing? Are the choices you are making based on your old beliefs?

When you are in a "not good enough" mode, you may be seeking approval from others. Get that thought out of your mind. You do not need their approval. Other people do NOT define you. As long as you do your best you are good enough.

I challenge you to see the value in yourself. Adopt the scripture "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 NKJV. Be all that you can be. The more you focus on what is good in your life, the more you will regain confidence. Having confidence will lead you to shedding that unwanted, unwarranted negative "not good enough" belief.