The Lies of My Heart

I can remember as a child having different feelings that would visit my heart. Good memories, represented by happiness, showed up quite frequently. I almost always knew when to expect these visits. I enjoyed the time I spent being happy. I would tuck those feelings away deep in my heart.

There would also be visits of sadness, judgments, shame, depression, anger etc. I never knew when to expect visits from these feelings. All I remember is how I felt after these visitors left. These visitors would whisper to me thoughts that took up space in my mind. Those whispers became known to me as lies of my heart.

The lies of my heart would visit whenever I began to doubt myself. As an example, I would hear the whispers of "you'll never get it" and "you can't do anything right". These lies would linger and take up residence. The lies became a permanent fixture. More and more, I believed the lies my visitors told me. The lies became a part of my persona.

I continued feeding off those lies, taking huge bites when I faced challenges and obstacles. I convinced myself that I couldn't handle "it"; that the lies were true. Every time I held on to those beliefs I began an internal battle that eventually became overwhelming.

I knew living this way had to stop. What could I do to cease the unwelcome visits and silence the whispers of negativity? These whispers were stealing my joy by twisting the truth. I no longer wanted to feel anger, sadness, shame, depression, or be judgmental.

I needed a belief system. I needed a power source that I could draw upon during times of stress and doubt. I had to determine how to free myself from the lies of my heart.

For me, this meant turning to my power source, Jesus Christ. I placed my faith and trust in Him. Now, when I hear a lie creeping into my heart telling me that "I am unworthy" or "I can't handle it", I recall the scripture, Phil 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". This helps me to believe in myself; to claim victory over the battle of negativity. As visitors approach the doorway to my heart, they now encounter a do not enter sign. The lies are no longer welcome.

What is your power source? How do you turn the negativity around in your heart? Dispose of any lies by reminding yourself of and focusing on your good qualities. You can build your foundation from there. Eventually you will become good at ridding yourself of any lies or false beliefs. You'll be able to quench the thought before it spreads. Ultimately, you become free of the lies of your heart.

Is Your Life Under Construction?

My city is growing and there is a lot of construction going on. No matter which street I drive down I face some type of traffic backlog. Traffic is slow, the roads are congested, detour signs aren't always visible nor large enough for you to read. What a mess.

I often wonder how the construction planning sessions are coordinated. What type of growth and or changes were envisioned?

Throughout our lives we go through growth or re-construction. Some of the challenges we face take us down paths we weren't expecting. There were detours we had to take to prevent us from ending up in a sinkhole. Some of the disruptions were unplanned. Our everyday lives are jeopardized by these disruptions.

Our daily living can get re-routed into new experiences, some of which can be frightful. It's so much easier to coast through life when you know what to expect. However, when life throws you a curve, it knocks you off the well-beaten path. You are forced to take a look at why you may be feeling stuck. Have you made a poor decision or choice that is impeding your progress?  Do you know where you are headed?

There are so many roads that can lead us towards our destinations. We need to be prepared for detours. Detours are not necessarily negative. Oftentimes, detours will provide a shorter or better way of reaching specific points in our life. We just need to learn how to recognize which detours we should take.

While we are under construction, we need to repair any potholes or negativity in our life. Shifting gears or our mindset is one approach to tackling the bumpy roads we encounter. Acknowledging, accepting, and making the necessary changes will keep us on the right path. If we choose to remain on the road that is riddled with roadblocks, dead-ends or 1-way streets, we will remain under construction.

As the construction begins to clear, traffic once again is regulated back to normalcy. Life begins to flow smoothly again. We no longer have the stress of dealing with impatience, irritability, wrong judgments, etc. Re-construction issues are completed as we feed off the positive changes that were incorporated. Continuing to use the correct tools will keep us well maintained.

Be patient as you go through re-construction. As our life's construction job comes to an end, we see revealed to us smoother paths, less congestion and more favorable circumstances. Keep your tank (your mind) full and enjoy what lies ahead.

Weight Issues?

Have you ever been told that you needed to lose weight? Was your reaction "I know"? Maybe the comment caught you off guard because you felt there was nothing wrong with your weight. The subject of weight seems to be on the minds of many people. How does one determine if they are truly overweight? Looking in the mirror is a dead giveaway. So is wearing tight fitting clothes that up until recently were loose on you. But what happens when you exercise, feel good about yourself and are still told you need to drop a few pounds? What then?

There are reports that provide an "average" weight range based on height and age, however, are these reports valid? Doctors disagree on the average weight ranges and the correct application. If you have a 5' 3"; 5' 10" and a 4' 11" woman all in good health and all weighing 150 lbs, doctors may disagree on whether weight and/or diet is an issue.

Doctors throw the word "diet" around without really delving into the causes or what can be expected if weight issues aren't addressed. Shouldn't the main goal be that you are healthy?

I know of individuals who have made dieting their "idol". They go from one weight loss program to another. They try every fad diet, tea, milkshake, etc. They're obsessed with dieting. As a result, they ride a continual seesaw of weight gain/weight loss. Some of these individuals really don't even need to lose weight. Their fear of becoming overweight has such a tight grip on them that it can lead to health issues or obsessions.

So what happens if you do in fact have to lose weight? One of the first steps might be to acknowledge that there is an issue. The next step would be to decide what changes you are willing to make relating to food. These changes should be gradual. Get your doctors approval to make these changes (especially if there are any health issues).

Be honest with yourself. Are you willing to make a serious commitment? If so, your commitment should include reasons why you want to lose weight, a short and long term goal for weight loss, exercise and a timeline. There should also be an action plan. Including a support team (friend, family, etc.) will help keep you on track and accountable.

Keep a food journal. This is vey helpful in identifying specific times during the day when you may be the most hungry. Also, keeping a food journal helps identity unhealthy eating habits (or binges) such as emotional eating or eating while under stress. Understanding what type of eater you are begins the process of correcting any negative eating behaviors.

Do NOT look at this journey as being on a diet. Although you will be losing pounds, that should not be your main focus. You are making changes to become healthier. As you begin to replace unhealthy foods with healthy foods, you will notice that your energy level increases. Your clothes become looser and you notice positive changes in your health. Eating healthier has been known to lower cholesterol, blood pressure and reduce inflammation associated with arthritis.

Take time to acknowledge the positive changes in your body and your health. Celebrate your accomplishments. If for some reason, you lose focus and go off your plan, that's okay; just refocus and get back on course.

When you make the process about being healthy (not losing weight) you will find that it's easier to remain focused. Your body will react favorably and you will be much happier.

Women and Sisterhood

As little girls in our youth, we form many different types of friendships. We have acquaintances, friends, BF's BFF's. As we become women, we move into the ultimate friendship known as sisterhood. Sisterhood can be defined as the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences, or concerns; a sisterly relationship.

As we mature, our friendships move from friends to best friends to sisterhood, which is the cream of the crop. Best friends can be replaced, we can lose contact or we can close the door to the relationship altogether. Sisterhood is forever. It's more than the youthful BFF. As we become women our criteria for friendships change. Although we still tend to categorize some of our friendships, sisterhood is reserved for those we respect; those that are on the same playing field as our self. Sisterhood requires the utmost trust, dedication, love and confidence in another person. Developing a sisterhood takes time to nurture and grow. Unfortunately, at times, we can lose sight of what sisterhood is all about.

How does one enter into sisterhood with another? First, you have to define and understand what sisterhood means. You want to ensure that as you enter into sisterhood, all parties involved hold the same understanding and commitment. You want to ensure that you do not harbor any unresolved issues in your heart. If you engage in name-calling, cattiness and gossip, you must ask yourself if you are really interested in having a sisterhood relationship. Rid yourself of any judgmental attitudes. It's easier to focus on someone else's negativity than to admit to your own. Let go of any competition you may feel. Stop any comparisons you make between your self and others. You can't have a meaningful sisterhood while dealing with limitations or insecurities.

Women who enter sisterhood, make no comparisons with others; there are no jealousies or covetousness. Women who are confident are truly happy for those in their sisterhood and their successes. You laugh with them and cry with them. You encourage them.

Having a sisterhood means there is respect between the "sisters". The bond is as sacred as that of a respected bond with a family member.

How do you define your friendships with women? Do you have a sisterhood or are you still in the production mode? Embrace sisterhood by being the ultimate friend. Be a good woman. Honor your word and commitments. That's the only way to having a true sisterhood.

Me, Myself and I

I saw a picture of a personalized license plate that read, MeFirst. I wondered what prompted the individual to want to display that message for all to see. Was it done as a joke? Is that what the individual really thinks?

Seeing the license plate made me think about the word entitlement. One of the definitions of entitlement is a belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. There's a big difference in earning or working to obtain things versus expecting to be rewarded or given things "just because". Having a sense of entitlement goes beyond feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments. I'm not really sure how a sense of entitlement became the norm for so many people.

Too often, we see people who feel that money can buy them "positions" in life & maybe provide a false sense of being better than the average person. At times, there may be a perception that rules don't apply to them. As an example, some people have no problem parking in a handicap parking spot without the use of a placard.

How does one become "entitled"? One example is that of parents who are too busy to spend time with their children. Instead, the parents choose to buy their children every new toy or technology gadget that is out there. The expectation is that buying these things will allow the parents to continue with their workaholic tendencies. Another example is that of a parent who never had things when they were little so their tendency is to overcompensate. There are those who "buy" the love of their friends, family, etc. There are also those who just feel that they deserve everything.    

When your focus or attitude is "it's all about me, myself and I, what type of person are you? I wonder if there is any room for kindness, grace, humility or camaraderie. If the focus is all about you, there is no time to learn new things, enjoy true friendship, or even know what it's like to make someone else happy. Having a sense of entitlement deprives you of so many things. You don't know what it's like to accomplish something on your own. There is no sense of what is good about your self. You're uncomfortable when the attention is not on you. You expect that when things don't go your way, someone will always rescue you or bail you out of a bad situation.

I don't envy those living a life of entitlement. I see it as a lonely life filled with bitterness and jealousy. No matter who you may be with, you're still alone. Sooner or later you realize that life is more than material things. Material things get old, rusty and break down. They get easily replaced. Today is a good day to change your outlook. Life is so much better when you have good people in your life. Make the decision to focus on others. Find out what their interests are. See how you can be a better friend or person. You will find that people will be receptive to the change and your life will be more content.

Your "In-look" Determines Your "Outlook"

Every day we face difficulties and challenges. Some can be very daunting while others just flow off of us. How we perceive these challenges and/or difficulties can make all the difference in the world. It can determine whether we have a positive or negative attitude. Throughout life we either in-look or we outlook.

Our in-look is how we internalize things. What is our DNA made of? Is there bitterness, envy or jealousy? Are we obnoxious or confrontational? Our in-look DNA is comprised of beliefs that were formed at an early age. If you were raised with positive traits such as encouragement, confidence, and kindness, you probably have a good in-look. If, however, you were raised with no self worth, no encouragement or you were mistreated, then your in-look may be far from positive.

Our outlook is how we perceive things. We will make judgments based on our perceptions. When things go wrong in our lives, we tend to lay blame wherever we can. Instead of dealing with whatever turmoil is going on inside of us, we find it easier to place blame on outside factions. For example, if we didn't get a promotion we wanted, we convince ourselves that it was someone else's fault that we missed out on the opportunity.

In-looking is not always easy. In-looking involves acknowledging both positive and negative traits. In-looking may require correcting issues that can be hurtful and painful. We have to acknowledge our flaws. What things are you doing continuously that causes you to complain about yourself? What emotions are ruling your mind, thoughts and actions? In-looking may require reprogramming our beliefs and our thoughts.

We want our in-look thoughts to have strong influences on our outlook and our life. So, how does one go about accomplishing this? We have to determine what needs changing and whether we want to make any changes. Then we need to develop a plan to initiate these changes into our daily routine. There may be times that we revert back to our previous beliefs and negative thoughts. That's ok. Don't give up. Keep moving forward.

It's time to stop our in-look perceptions from being governed by our outlook or circumstances. We all have our blind spots. You have to understand yourself from the inside out. When you stop nurturing the negativity they get weaker until ultimately they disappear. This process will take discipline, however, it is doable. Remember, your "in-look" determines your "outlook. It's up to you to ensure that you have the right way of "looking" at things.

Must You Argue About Everything?

Have you ever dealt with an individual that argued with you no matter what was discussed? They can be opinionated, they may not find any value to your viewpoints and they may make judgments or conclusions with or without facts.

I often wonder what is going on inside of the individual that fills them with the need to always share their perspective, right or wrong. What is causing them to dominate or control the conversation? A few possibilities that come to mind are doubt, insecurity and pride.

When people are insecure there is a tendency to hide behind a "mask". We become vulnerable. We don't want to expose our flaws to others. Although we all have imperfections, we are afraid to allow others to see the real person. There may be feelings of inadequacies.

Doubt is when you are uncertain or lack confidence. You want to impress people or show others how smart you are. We have self-expectations. When these expectations aren't met we are disappointed, doubt sets in and our confidence plummets.

Pride is another area that leads to being argumentative. One can become prideful when feeling powerless, disrespected, or feeling ignored. When we are in a prideful moment, we want to defend our position. In a self-effort to prove that we measure up, our contributions to the discussion may take on a combative or argumentative role.

What does being argumentative accomplish? Absolutely nothing. It's like being stuck in traffic with your car overheating. You can't move. You see a warning light in your car indicting that there is some kind of trouble. Unfortunately, you don't see a way out. You can't move forward until traffic opens up and you are able to get your car to the side of the road. Arguing and or trying to be right all of the time is like being stuck in traffic. Until you are able to determine why you are being argumentative, you won't be able to correct the situation.

Expecting to see a behavior change overnight is unrealistic. It will take time to release oneself from the bondage that arguing has you shackled to. You 're not fooling anyone. Our emotions give us away. Stop hiding behind any anger and hurt. Be willing to correct any handicaps. Until you change the behavior, your true self will continue to emerge.

Another option is to understand that change for this individual can be slow. Depending on the situation, we've all had illogical rants (i.e. a parent defending their child) that have taken us from 0 to 60 in no time flat. The concern is when going from 0 to 60 becomes the norm. 

So, what should one do when conversing with an argumentative person? The easiest answer is to avoid them or excuse your self from the conversation as soon as possible. That, of course, is easier said than done (as the arguer could be a friend, family member or even a boss). You can try to determine what is behind the behavior. Are they having a bad day? Are they feeling ill? Or is this a standard way of communication?

The words you speak and how you speak them matter. There is a big difference between sharing your opinion versus being argumentative. The main difference is that people will close their ears to argumentative individuals. Everyone wants to know that they are heard and are being listened to. If you are too busy arguing, you can never "hear" what others think and or contribute.

Your viewpoint is not the only one that matters. Be receptive to hearing the ideas of others, learning new things, or trying different ways to communicate. When there is a free-flow exchange in the dialogue you will find that people are more inclined to listen to your viewpoint. Isn't that ultimately what you want?